January 6, 2015

24 – and before is not anymore

25 – its strange & good to be alive
26 – seeing things that need a fix
27 – bills for pills and therapy sessions
28 – accept it all as a trick of fate
29 – would make a change if there was time
the big three zero – over trying to be a hero
31 – a little addition & adulthood has really begun
32 – duty is what there is to do
33 – the balance of circumstance and biology is reality
34 – scrape the edges, look for more
35 – still searching for the drive
36 – sick and tired of being tired and sick; the cliché sticks
37 – don’t worry much about hell or heaven
38 – a bit to soon for it to be too late
39 – and no one wants to hear me whine

but this year I’m 40.

still sad, stuck and silly.


what are reasonable expectations?

i don’t really know where to go from that question.

sleep, i guess.
thats the big one.
i used to assume that everyone was tired.
once upon…
a lady asked me how i was
(which at the time was typically low)
i didnt want to tell the truth, that could be obnoxious
but i have trouble saying “fine” like i’m supposed to
so i thought i had the perfect answer and i responded
“oh, same as everyone else i suppose”
she got serious and asked how everybody felt
and my response was: tired.
she said, “I’m not tired”.
and seemed genuinely surprised that everyone else was.
honestly, very presumptuous of me to speak for others
but surely this lady is an outlier.
she has like six kids and is super active all the time with everything
but not tired.
is everyone tired? (besides her)
i am too tired to even write this
that which i am writing
or are you too tired to tell
those who which i are reading.
can you be too tired to procrastinate?
i mean, it seems impossible now
surely i would fall to my knees and weep
if i tried to keep writing, to do anything
but whats to say it will be any easier tomorrow
to order the following into proper meaning
more sleep is unlikely
but i cant do it
put it off
you can read all this later. – oh, sorry.

how are you? says the van…
i am tired. says the wheel.

hello… can you hear me… hello…
hey, God… your cuttin’ out…
im going through a tunnel…
and i don’t see any light at the end of it.

so, what to say about prayer?
(without really thinking very much about it – 
cause i don’t feel like thinking)
well, ive definitely fallen out of the practice.
exempli gratia, i.e., e.g. :
the other day i was sextoning down on the basement level
at work on a stubborn (plumbing) problem.
i got frustrated enough to say out loud
“c’mon God gimmee a break here.”
(mens rea? well, it was the men’s room)
and i was out of character and out of sorts.
the exclamation did not shock me because of banality
but because after the exclamation, i immediately thought,
oh, He can’t hear me,
you can’t get cell phone reception down here.

i was done with the job and half way up the stairs
before laughing out loud at myself:
wow, i am really out of practice


August 14, 2014

sometimes something happens
and i look up and realize
that i have no idea whats going on.
i mean: everybody everywhere everything
including myself – no idea
and i am shocked.
this always makes me feel like such an idiot
no… an asshole really = just incredibly selfish.
everything comes flooding in
overwhelming me with my own self-centeredness;
an unwanted emotional enema,
which is terribly ironic because
i think i am desperately trying to maintain my connections
and not fade out of my obligations
but i know that i am depressed
and avoiding really thinking about things.
i think i see that this is happening
but its hard to see your own undersides and
the main reason i dont know what is happening
is that i have crawled inside myself
for what i think is self-preservation
but is actually impeding my efforts at relieving
some perceived fragile mental imbalance…
what? and there it is: (colon)
i find im full of shit.
insincere and not making any sense at all
even to myself
how am i supposed to write about not knowing anything?
i am a fossil aquifer.
there used to be all this fresh water
full of fruitful promise
but it was apparently a non-renewable resource
impenetrable from any outside participating precipitation.
i didnt know and pumped it all out
faster than it could ever be replenished;
the water dried up and the ground gave way
creating that big hole in the ground,
a depression (ha – how droll)
maybe nobody will notice.
(i think) i keep hoping some new reserve will be found
a hidden pocket untapped (quickly depleted)
or better yet – magic…
a spring that will serve as a source to replenish,
but the sources that i havent
polluted, poisoned, hurt, dammed, diverted, neglected…
when their waters do get through
they find a black hole
endlessly sucking
never being filled.
i still have hope
i still keep drilling, keep searching
but i only end up with holes.

recycling or trash

June 30, 2014


stupid book

uninformed unicorn

May 23, 2014

today i realized
that what you say
has absolutely no correlation
to what people hear you say.

so thats fine…
sure, i will do everything that i already told you that i wouldn’t do,
yes, i will be here during the time i planned to be gone
and i will happily find a place for all of that shit in the mechanical room
that i wanted thrown away…
cause thats awesome.

during a full staff meeting:
a good man talked about his trip to Israel.
>> Holy Land Cruises: sailing through the desert…
Jesus walked on water and so can you
with our patented inflatable shoes!

touch the lepers with “Jesus is the Balm”® Brand skin sanitizer!
turn water into wine with our miraculous:
alchemy oenophile osmosis expander;
just don’t drink any – cause that would be a sin! <<
– that’s, uh, all from their promotional materials –
anyway, he said that it was wonderful and he felt totally safe.
…and then it just slipped out of my mouth:
“yah, apartheid has its benefits”
the youth minister sitting next to me
put his head in his hands and whispered “no”
but apparently no one else heard me cause
the good, old man kept talking
and everyone else kept nodding and smiling.
i felt pretty bad,
but its fine cause everyone just heard
whatever it is they wanted to hear.

another day it was the youth minister
who heard something other than what i said.
i had to work in a room where he was having a meeting
planning out a special sunday service
about chastity and sexual purity for the teens.
they were discussing what songs would work well
during the worship/singing segment…
i suggested “Come Thou Fount”.
it was very quiet in the room and i went away.
i felt pretty bad.
later i went to apologize and he didnt know what i was apologizing for;
so i didnt tell him.
he thinks well of me and so hears me say good things.
so sometimes the rule works in my favor
even when im being a juvenile idiot.

today i saw a big bumper sticker on a white convertible BMW
it screamed:
      LIBERALISM: stealing from the rich
      to give to the LAZY.
as i drove behind the lady i saw her
drive off the road and over the curb
to run over two songbirds and a baby panda.
why would anyone want to be that angry?
i don’t think i have ever heard a version of Robin Hood
where the sheriff of Nottingham was the hero.
oh no, politics – quick, pretend you heard something else.
– i like money and would definitely take some
if only those damn liberals would fork it over. –

i was sitting in the Kroger parking lot
watching a group of people take pictures of themselves
with a guy in a saggy tuxedo and a knight rider replica car
he had apparently rented for the evening,
the red cylon line going back and forth since 1982.
i was thinking how the kroger’s parking lot was an odd venue
for this photo-shoot activity (or maybe not),
when another car pulled up and a mom let her daughter out.
the girl was dressed in khakis and her blue kroger polo
uniform shirt with her name tag.
she said good-by to her mom and casually walked into the store.
immediately, i mean, before the mom
could have even made it out of the parking lot
a red cadillac with oversized rims and black tinted windows
screeched up and the girl ran out and jumped in
and began her evening.
i wondered what her mom heard her say
and if i would hear my girls say the same thing someday.
i thought: they will likely say things
that they think i want to hear
and then i will hear what i really want to hear
and it will all be different from what they’re actually saying.
i felt sad and i went away.

so thats all i have to say for now,
feel free to hear whatever you want
but please make whatever that is into something funny
cause thats what i was trying to make us all hear me say.


May 19, 2014

God's love is for all
It took a few weeks but Al seems to have lost his proprietary contract.
way to go Al Though, the old sign didn’t really say it was exclusively for Al.

I was sorta hoping they did it on purpose to give some guy named Al a needed pick-me-up. Cause that would be a fun church.

I wonder if when the pastor noticed it he was like: What? The “L”!

Maybe the sign had the “L” scared off of it,

or the church just ran out of “L” – That wouldn’t be a bad thing.

Probably, they just realized it wasn’t there.
Anyway, that’s what best matches up with the ethos of the sign.


April 22, 2014

way to go Al

my son
stands at the screen to the front/back door
looking in at me.

this door:
it opens to nothing, well…
a parallel sidewalk from door to door on our building,
and then;
a small but dangerously steep hill
leading down to a stone retainer wall covered by a chain link fence
and an alley of garages, rows of other domiciles, back up to
a shopping center (so much pavement) and
an electrical substation which occasionally discharges an ominous boom
to echo over the valley of the condos just before our power goes out.

yet this door has a nice view – esp. of the sunset
(though a lot of civilization obscures
with the signs and wires and what not).
here lies our little domain:
our view of an urban canyon (with trees – pretty trees)
from the thin crest of a hill between the building and the slope;
enough room for adventure or relaxation,
a side-walk, a pleasant breeze,
a beer in the evening and a little guitar
as children run/ride/scoot back and forth endlessly.
in my mind this is our front door.

the door on the other side is the one we use
for coming and going.
it opens onto the patio
which opens onto a parking lot
where we park the car and only play at our peril.
i grew up once, and when i did
the patio was in the back –
so, this is the back door.
it has every appearance of a back door
i refer to it as the back door…
which confuses everyone.
cause its the door we mostly use and
my children call it the front,
and the other side (the side to the sunset) = the back.
well, which side of the house actually faces forward?
there’s no way to know!
how arbitrary is this naming? do i just yield?
at least we can all agree on which wall is the side of our home.
just one though,
cause the other side is also the side of someone else’s home
and she shares both her walls…
so what do you call that? – does she even get a side?
no one wants to take sides on this issue.
but the whole front/back thing…
maybe one should be called: the door to work
and the other: the door to play.

so, is this about perspective?
or regional language differences (patio vs porch)?
or the wonderful things our children have to teach us if we’re only enlightened enough to open our minds and blah blah blech.
this is about how:
as my son stands looking at me
with his face and hands pressed against the screen;
he is eating a pear.
and is slowly pushing the smooshed up, partially chewed pear
through the little holes of the screen with his tongue.
its gross but its fascinating.
yep, thats what this is about.