what can I bring

January 7, 2016

oh, my Daughters.
hugs…love…listening…
I am not proud
I know I have no discipline
and when I try it on you = its weak at best
sporadic, erratic; I bark and back off quickly
having accomplished nothing.
what am I teaching…
only what you are watching.
no fooling myself,
I know its only my consistent behaviors.
my inadvertent quirks and starts and lurches
that bring any lessons.
you see me survive,
love your mother well
and the rest is vague.
you know me in my limitations
and lingering sadness; vulnerability.
you know me
and I can’t know what that means
or how it is shaping you…
terrible and terrifying
I don’t even know where to begin.
I was a man of prayer and imagination once.
I wish you knew me before the grinding.
now I’m just tired…
a man of reluctance,
a man who needs a shave
who needs convincing;
and you can usually do it…
because you have soft cheeks that gather when you smile,
interests of your own,
secret ways that know me
to wiggle into all the cracks.
you have learned,
whatever I have brought;
positive/negative.
I hold on to hope that somehow
to you
it will always mean safety.

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3 Responses to “what can I bring”

  1. Ryan Says:

    Hey, don’t beat yourself up. Until they’re 25 or so – you can do no wrong! But I get the bad dad guilt. We’ve all got it.

  2. Lindsey Says:

    If only all you needed was love! Still. It’s better to have love and not enough of other things than it is to have plenty of other things but not enough love.

  3. Gail Brown Says:

    Safety and love makes them feel free. They may not understand all that you are going through but you are giving them what they need if they know you love them and they feel safe.


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