speaking out about reticence

August 14, 2015

the depression acquired a sniper rifle
BANG! – industry
BANG! – humor
BANG! – creativity
BANG! – connection
hunting them down
with nothing to stop it
having destroyed my defenses long ago
it kills.
and all the bad things overrun the system,
gain influence,
make their authority, their residence seem permanent.
hard to imagine hope
when both imagination and hope were gunned down.
most things are hit initially with a nonlethal shot
and then slowly put to death…
ground down (sometimes tortured) over time
as I watch
helpless to do anything
becoming too starved to struggle,
exhausted against the original bonds
that tied me down so long ago
cutting into me and cutting off my circulation.
humor and creativity (wit and nuance) were my friends
and so liked by others
but they’re all gone now.
embarrassment and shame are left guarding the room,
though I still struggle when I can
against the persistent beatings of apathy and cynicism.
and honestly, hope is hard to kill;
cause it can shatter into so many tiny fragments
and go scurry off in every direction to hide
even lay dormant for impossibly long times
before peaking out again.
I haven’t seen light glance off a shard in a while
but I believe they are still there (proof)
waiting for the right sunbeam.
for now, forever, however
I am bound and gagged,
tied to a chair and knocked to the floor
left to ruminate and ridicule
my own histrionics
and to wonder how the hell
I’m supposed to parent while
lying on the floor tied to this chair.
exhaustion very slowly dragged the keyboard
to my hands so I could type this
but it was a challenge
being trussed up backwards and all
and it took about 6 months to slowly
peck it all out.
I can’t tell if its any good as I can’t see it
and most of the faculties that provide discernment
have been assassinated = good judgment, acumen, etc.
I’m afraid silliness might still be bouncing around in here
and I’m not sure that I ever had any
reticence to speak of.


2 Responses to “speaking out about reticence”

  1. Lindsey Says:

    Thank you for finding a way to type despite having your hands tied. Your metaphors are still vibrant, and your love of words apparent. I hope you’ll do it again sometime.

  2. Marnie Says:

    This is as brilliant and poignant as always. There are many of us holding hope for you when you have none.

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