no time (too lazy) to think of title

September 2, 2014

years
it takes years
becomes a part of you
and you no longer know
what you’re dealing with
and what is just you
if there could ever be a difference.
not so many years left anymore
it takes all the time
no room to think
no pleasure, no more clever
dries up the ability to be sincere
eye contact / interest / make some one’s day better
to be occasionally funny, self-deprecating, observant
too tired – too many excuses
tension that makes it hard to see
and so hard to see others
so sorry – deeply
regret
once i was just so glad to get a diagnosis
thought that maybe it meant that i wasn’t
stupid and lazy
just crazy just crazy
and maybe there was a solution
spent some hard time
searching / failing
wanting to just be like everybody else
whatever that means.
…plenty of time in self-pity…
time in prayer
time wanting to feel better
time wanting / needing / desperate
for more time
a moment to sort it out
space to breathe
get it under control
more time to do something
whatever it might be
unable
useless
never can do whatever the somethings are (record)
never can get enough time
accomplishment
wake up – and wish i hadn’t.
but still want more time
if time just spread out before you
than certainly some bit of it
would contain calm
would equal success
satisfaction
is somewhere in time
its not that i don’t want to do it
i do – desperately
i just need more time
so…
lazy or stupid
and i realize that when i sit down to write
to get it out for my own sake (helping no one)
it always sounds like a suicide note
without a climax
so i hesitate and delete
but i’m safe
cause i just want more time
and a hug
kidding = just more time.

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8 Responses to “no time (too lazy) to think of title”

  1. Danielle Says:

    No time to think, time for sleep now, time to sink way into the blue deep…

    Love you.

  2. Danielle Says:

    So watch your time
    Time descends
    Let it spill quietly
    From your hands
    Oh, and the time is at hand
    When all things under the sky
    Go free of time

  3. Lindsey Says:

    You’re not lazy. Tired, afraid, in pain, overwhelmed, apathetic, distracted, but I have never ever known you to be lazy.
    (So, put that in your book.)

  4. reswannb Says:

    I agree with Lindsey. And I am glad to be your friend. And I have a hug.

  5. Bareknuckle Says:

    Honest writing, Shawn. I appreciate the insight into your experience. You are so valued and loved by those that know you….keep writing and trying to make sense of it all. I value what you say….so put that in your book as well.

  6. Ryan Roling Says:

    Shawn,

    I’ve been thinking lately about grouping people. For example: There are “producers” and “consumers”, such as writers and readers. (Of course we all do both sometimes, but would rather sit down and read, or sit down and write? If it’s read, then you’re a consumer. If it’s write, you’re a producer.)

    This post gives me a new grouping: Starters and Completers. Again, we all do both sometimes. But do you prefer starting (i.e. dreaming, visioning, etc.), or are you a doer and get more satisfaction out of “crossing that off the list”?)

    Well my friend, maybe you’re a Starter. Don’t worry about getting things done. That’s the work of the doers. You need to just continue to create and envision. The work for you is to accept that and be okay with it.

    I’m fine if you don’t get done with what you wanted to finish up today. Do you know why? Because you have more ideas than me, and that doesn’t bother me either.

    • Ryan Roling Says:

      BTW: I had some really smart ideas for groups, but learned later they were already taken.

      Groups I was considering:
      * Us and Them
      * Lefties and Righties
      * Young and Old (Where do we belong now?)
      * Black and White

      Oh well. Can’t win ’em all.

  7. Gail Brown Says:

    Maybe when I visit you, soon, you can have a time and I can be there in your place so you can have some time to yourself and with Rebekah. Your not lazy, just burdened. You are so special to me.


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