another anathema

July 21, 2014

wow
there is just nowhere to go with this
terror, doubt, disdain
at those words or even considering this as pain
instead of discomfort, discomfiture
worry rather than terror
complaint that fits within smallness and mediocrity.
this is why people take drugs
to have somewhere to go (i suppose not participate)
otherwise…
it is despair
regardless of how embarrassed i am
at the self-aggrandizing drama of it all.
depression = accusatory? excusatory? exculpatory? ridiculous
diminishing but not desired.
though i am no longer able to distinguish
who i am outside of this
disentangle / disengage / ??missing word??
cause i cant think
except enough to know i’m missing words
missing self
missing life
missing out
misanthrope (accidental)
incidentally, there would be less noise
if i could pull through my panic and help.
self-hatred is easier than helpfulness
but it is not hatred
there is not enough ambition for that
just disappointment. = get over your little self
prostrate prone parallel to the floor
eyes at the level of a days detritus
dead flies, discarded art supplies, rice grains
bloated, wasted on the ground
wondering how something as tiny as a mosquito
knows how to evade the death blow
avoid, escape to suck again another day.
parallel and mosquito are good words
i didnt lose those. (only loose them, only yous them.)
now, a child with few words yet to forget
is driving a car on my head;
sitting on my back, bouncing
on my neck – literally, painfully cute
and i have to go
find a calculation where a bit of bitterness
is cancelled out by love
and those two parallel lines making all things equal
in the end point to energy
duty – disillusionment × exhaustion + love = get up, dammit
i am not a mosquito
i cant avoid or escape
even when i suck.

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4 Responses to “another anathema”

  1. Ryan Roling Says:

    Shawn,

    Even when you suck, your suckiness is “cancelled out by love”. I love you brother.

    Brother –
    “Some kind of trouble is coming
    Don’t know when, don’t know what
    I will stand by you, brother
    ‘Til the daylight comes or I’m dead and gone”

  2. Bareknuckle Says:

    “and i have to go
    find a calculation where a bit of bitterness
    is cancelled out by love.” I think this is the mathematics of life, Shawn. Glad you named it. You are much appreciated and loved. Ryan……”Brother” is an apt (and wonderful) song.

  3. Lindsey Says:

    I wish I could sit down next to you, pat your head, and then sweep that floor. I’m not sure whether I would remove the child from your neck or laugh at your predicament though.

  4. Gail Brown Says:

    I like your math.


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