to the other, to the ether

June 6, 2014

its almost confusing.
on the way home
on the same drive
at the same time
the thought comes
with an exhausting sadness
a slightly different refrain but well known
and of the same stuff:
“help me.”
perhaps thats a bit different
a bit better somehow
a cry
still silly and dramatic
but maybe with a bit more desire for connection
to whom? – i don’t know
i thought i did once
but not anymore
maybe to my friends and family and Unfair Advantage
to those who so politely (so kindly) read my bullshit
maybe just out of me
because there is nothing left inside of me
to manage
nothing that i want
but out to the other, out to the ether, to the eternal
i don’t know.

and then i’m home.
with only dark anger knitting me together – loosely
not at anything or coming towards anyone
but not fun for anyone either
and the Unfair Advantage is abandoned to absorb
and does (grace)… and i do the dishes.
cause thats what i can do
and wipe the counter and listen
as love swirls all around me
prodding the knotted knitting
saying pay attention
cause this is so much more than you deserve
so much more than anyone deserves
but you could know to expect it if you were clever
because drops of wonderful are always falling all around you
and my first born says “i love you”
and holds onto my arm
and shows me her inventions
and dances for me with her “new moves”
and the boy…
he is so beautiful
it cant possibly be fair to the rest of the world
and EZB says: “I love you as high as the sky
as big as big
as small as small is small
and as medium is medium”
can this be true?????
that i am loved so much?
it is and it is and it is
and the hurt is there from nowhere
but the love is all around me
from everywhere.

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5 Responses to “to the other, to the ether”

  1. Jimdaddy Says:

    This is very moving and captures the dichotomy of the worlds you live in. The more I understand those worlds the more I love and appreciate you and your ability to navigate through them.

  2. Marnie Ferree Says:

    You are deeply loved dear sexton. Not just by your family but by all who read and are moved by your wonderful “bullshit” musings.

  3. Lindsey Says:

    Maybe not the answer you were looking for… but better than no answer.

  4. Ryan Roling Says:

    Shawn – I’m with EZB: I love you as medium is medium.

  5. Gail Brown Says:

    Shawn, I’m with Hannah, EZB, the boy and your advantage, I love you as big is big and am grateful you were given to me. You have always been a blessing to me.


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