uninformed unicorn

May 23, 2014

today i realized
that what you say
has absolutely no correlation
to what people hear you say.

so thats fine…
sure, i will do everything that i already told you that i wouldn’t do,
yes, i will be here during the time i planned to be gone
and i will happily find a place for all of that shit in the mechanical room
that i wanted thrown away…
cause thats awesome.

during a full staff meeting:
a good man talked about his trip to Israel.
>> Holy Land Cruises: sailing through the desert…
Jesus walked on water and so can you
with our patented inflatable shoes!

touch the lepers with “Jesus is the Balm”® Brand skin sanitizer!
turn water into wine with our miraculous:
alchemy oenophile osmosis expander;
just don’t drink any – cause that would be a sin! <<
– that’s, uh, all from their promotional materials –
anyway, he said that it was wonderful and he felt totally safe.
…and then it just slipped out of my mouth:
“yah, apartheid has its benefits”
the youth minister sitting next to me
put his head in his hands and whispered “no”
but apparently no one else heard me cause
the good, old man kept talking
and everyone else kept nodding and smiling.
i felt pretty bad,
but its fine cause everyone just heard
whatever it is they wanted to hear.

another day it was the youth minister
who heard something other than what i said.
i had to work in a room where he was having a meeting
planning out a special sunday service
about chastity and sexual purity for the teens.
they were discussing what songs would work well
during the worship/singing segment…
i suggested “Come Thou Fount”.
it was very quiet in the room and i went away.
i felt pretty bad.
later i went to apologize and he didnt know what i was apologizing for;
so i didnt tell him.
he thinks well of me and so hears me say good things.
so sometimes the rule works in my favor
even when im being a juvenile idiot.

today i saw a big bumper sticker on a white convertible BMW
it screamed:
      LIBERALISM: stealing from the rich
      to give to the LAZY.
as i drove behind the lady i saw her
drive off the road and over the curb
to run over two songbirds and a baby panda.
why would anyone want to be that angry?
i don’t think i have ever heard a version of Robin Hood
where the sheriff of Nottingham was the hero.
oh no, politics – quick, pretend you heard something else.
– i like money and would definitely take some
if only those damn liberals would fork it over. –

i was sitting in the Kroger parking lot
watching a group of people take pictures of themselves
with a guy in a saggy tuxedo and a knight rider replica car
he had apparently rented for the evening,
the red cylon line going back and forth since 1982.
i was thinking how the kroger’s parking lot was an odd venue
for this photo-shoot activity (or maybe not),
when another car pulled up and a mom let her daughter out.
the girl was dressed in khakis and her blue kroger polo
uniform shirt with her name tag.
she said good-by to her mom and casually walked into the store.
immediately, i mean, before the mom
could have even made it out of the parking lot
a red cadillac with oversized rims and black tinted windows
screeched up and the girl ran out and jumped in
and began her evening.
i wondered what her mom heard her say
and if i would hear my girls say the same thing someday.
i thought: they will likely say things
that they think i want to hear
and then i will hear what i really want to hear
and it will all be different from what they’re actually saying.
i felt sad and i went away.

so thats all i have to say for now,
feel free to hear whatever you want
but please make whatever that is into something funny
cause thats what i was trying to make us all hear me say.


5 Responses to “uninformed unicorn”

  1. Ryan Roling Says:

    Freakin’ hilarious. Knee slapper. You crazy son of a gun.

  2. Lindsey Says:

    So you’re going to show up here next month, is what I heard you say. Awesome.

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