cheese & whine

February 24, 2014

i just dont have any more words to describe it
im exhausted – i dont feel like communicating
drained of creativity
no words
no desire
and so, here i go:
i want to do nothing
and have everyone pat me on the back
and say “good job” “great effort”
but i would know that for lies
and it wouldnt get through anyway
gone from:
hating how i feel to hating how i am
to maybe even who i am / what i am
from self pity to self loathing
despair to disgust
exhaustion to apathy
from trying to do my best
to fuck you – the you being me, or everything
but not you
i dont want to turn you away
please be patient with me
i am sorry
and numb and sick
and shaky
and i want to get out.
in the past writing has helped
so let this wash over you
dont think badly of me
i dont have the energy to defend myself
or explain
i dont want anything from anyone
except that they wont turn away or be hurt
cause theyre just tired of all this
same and same and same – me too.
you dont have to help
just dont hold it against me
dont worry
just still be here when i get back
i do get to come back, right?
to myself, to you
i miss you, i miss me
i am slow, so slow
and i get scared
when i feel i keep getting worse
that aging can do nothing but make this harder
my body will become a trap.
it is already unkind
the depression/anxiety twists and torments it
makes me feel like i am physically poisoned
full of infection
i cant get healthy
pain and oddness
and i dont know whats real
some day i might really have a serious problem
and just ignore it thinking
well thats just the new weird thing the depression
has decided to do with my body
i hate that
i hate this
oversharing – i hate that word
tired excuses – i never want that
but i dont want you to go away
or feel like i dont value everything
you all always give me
so much grace and support
i just want to write till i feel better
till i feel like i have really explained myself
and how deeply sorry (and humiliated) i am
and that it is going to be alright

may this point in time
not become
my point of view

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8 Responses to “cheese & whine”

  1. Lindsey Says:

    Good job! Great effort!
    (Please know these words to mean: I admire the good work you do, and know it requires great effort on your part.)
    Oh, and I’m not going anywhere, no matter how long it takes you to get anywhere.

  2. Ryan Roling Says:

    Shawn,
    You’re good enough; you’re smart enough – and dog-gone-it, I LIKE you!

    Like Lindsey – I’m here to stay old man. “You are my Post.” You can put that in your blog.

    Tsu-mani tu tanca, o-wa-chi.

  3. B.R. Barnacle Says:

    “May this point in time
    not become
    my point of view.”

    Holy crap, Shawn. This is the phrase that is your gift to me. Of course, I’ve taken this to apply to my current situation with all it’s depths of grief. It is a wonderful reminder to myself. Thank you for this insight, and I hope you get a little comfort from it.

    I’m still working on getting new music to you, Lord help me. You are well loved.

    BRB

  4. Rachel Says:

    Love to you. Also not going anywhere. I also like you, enjoy you, and appreciate the doggone effort you put into surviving every day. Beyond that, from the outside looking in, what feels like just surviving to you looks like an admirable husband, engaged and loving father, and compassionate, enjoyable friend to us.

  5. Rachel Says:

    P.S. You are brave to write and share those words.

  6. Jimmy Says:

    Hey! I’m not going to wait till you get back to what you call yourself. I’ll have cheese and whine wine with you anytime any day and under any conditions.

  7. Jennifer Butler Basile Says:

    Yes

  8. Gail Brown Says:

    Please know you are loved and appreciated. Dad took out your old letter that you sent him years ago before you started blogging. It would have been a good blog, very well written and gracious to your dad, loving and thoughtful. I hope your point of view doesn’t remain as it is either. I love you.


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