full of grate

February 2, 2014

so i took a calm down and get over yourself pill
and i wonder if my stomach will stop hurting in a half hour
or 45 minutes or whatever (not a helpful type of tolerance).
I just want to feel different – even a subtle change from this would do.

it feels like nothing works
it feels like i don’t work
born broken
and not able to fix myself
regardless of effort or desire
(or prayer and pleading in the olden days)

one of my true friends sang our “best efforts are not enough”
he sang it well and wonderfully.
i don’t even know how to judge my effort – enough or not
have i given it my best? ever?
could more effort produce better and greater change?
that seems like a bad direction for me –
to ask that question.
i just want to feel different
not even be different or have someone else’s life
i like myself well enough (trust is a different matter)
really!
– i like my life
excepting
: the lack of time/energy to make music
and the lack of any fulfillment from my job
(and lack of sleeping)
regardless, it is Circumstantially Wonderful
i don’t say that over and over to try and convince myself
i am blessed – if you like that word/idea/term
my children are clever and beautiful
as much their own as they are ours
and even mostly sweet
(though, it can be hard as a disrespected, stressed out,
tired out parent to see that)

but if you try to raise independent, strong-willed, creative kids
with a distinct sense of self
and thats what you get – well, can’t complain about that

my son is in the bath, beautiful, and smiling at me
right now, showing me random things and grunting
what can you do with that level of goodness and beauty
but be grateful
even more – lucky in love doesn’t begin to describe:
my hearts delight, my days trajectory, my times desire
my laughter shared, my spirit deepened, my self known
my Unfair Advantage…

so,
reasons (other than biology)
do not exist for this Atlastic despair
(really i am too lazy to find the complete right word
for this implosive weight i am feeling – so i made one up)
and here i am writing until the medication kicks in
and i start to feel better/able, to stop hurting
its so frustrating to have no reason unreasoning unreasonable
on a “homeday” (and everyday) to look at life
and know there is no “it”,
nothing i can grab hold of and fix (or throttle)

i am so grateful
(isn’t that what we mean when we say lucky or blessed?)
for my friends, for my family
for my family who are friends and my friends who are family
who like and love me
i am sorry that i am this way
i wish i wasn’t and i know no one wants my apology
but when you go on and on like i do
you feel like a big complainer and like you should apologize
i wish i could just make it stop.
there is a part of me that is so full of doubt and self blame
thinking that i probably could make it stop
if i really wanted to
if i wasn’t so selfish and just plain lazy
i feel like i don’t really know

i feel grate:
reducing things to small shreds and
making my unpleasant rasping sound.

I love all of you so huge
your kindness and patience and listening
I am so grateful and
I am sorry and I weep and I thank you.
and the drugs will kick in
and i will feel a little better
and at least be able to move on and wash my son’s hair

you people
you’re wonderful
thank you.

now, where is that gentle, no tears, environmentally considerate
baby shampoo

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6 Responses to “full of grate”


  1. I hear you, my dear. I hear your pain. I have felt the same. Apologizing to my loved ones for the way I am. So grateful for them all, but feeling like I only bring them down. like I don’t deserve their kindness. Big hugs to you. So brave of you to write this.

  2. Lindsey Says:

    How did you type this up in the bathroom?! You know so many magic tricks.

  3. Ryan Roling Says:

    Shawn,

    I’ve always considered you as one “full of great” = greatfull. Thanks for sharing your thoughts again. It’s a brave thing you do.

  4. Gail Brown Says:

    I too consider all your efforts and see a great-ful person before me. Why does life have to be so hard?
    I love you.

  5. B.R. Barnacle Says:

    Shawn…you are an honest writer and I appreciate your willingness to write. You are a great friend, and I feel that we need to get a beer soon. Your family is beautiful as well. And thanks for listening to old music that was marginally recorded….


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