olly olly oxen free

January 30, 2014

well what did i think?
that i was going to somehow just feel better?
well, yah, i did
i always do.
grand intentions:
get more sleep;
get my creative juices flowing a bit,
be helpful.
i always hope.
and i try.
ultimately thats why i don’t actually
hate myself
because i know i am trying.
i get really stressed, insecure
to the point of disabling panic (medicate)
that others wont know
my sincere intentions.
if i was on the outside,
if i didnt know,
i dont think i would like me.
but people do seem to genuinely like me,
its a comfort.
but they dont see me when im hiding
(thats kind of the point of hiding). shhhhhhhh.
but there are people who need me;
that it affects deeply,
and i am hiding from them right now.
it is despicable.
so why would anyone still like me?
out of kindness?
(no one likes some one out of pity)
people are very kind.
and i am very sorry.
my stomach and back and head hurt
because i am hiding and hiding has nothing to do
with who i want to be.
i feel feverish and nauseous
just get up!!!!!!!!!!!

i am going to get up now
and go home
and be helpful.
writing this has given me some courage (thank you).
i may cry on the way home
or cuss
thats pretty normal.
and when i get there
they will all love me.
its heartbreaking
and wonderful.
even though they may not know
about the hiding,
they will find me
they often do.
and i love them so much for it.

help me. God, have mercy on me.


6 Responses to “olly olly oxen free”

  1. Jim Reppart Says:

    I like you.

  2. Nobody likes people for pity, and few out of simple kindness. I guess people like you because you don’t annoy them, and you don’t blame them for things… You may have an ego, but it never seems to make demands on others, just on yourself (I guess). And when you have anything at all to give, you always seem to give it. These two things seem to be rather important factors to likability. (Few people really care whats going on inside other people’s heads, just mainly how other people make them feel.) So, your likability is no mystery.

    • I also regret not adding to the list of reasons people like you, which was about the things you don’t do (annoy people, blame them, make demands on them) or about neutral things (giving when you have something to give, whatever that thing may be), all of which could be possessed by a boring person, the actual unique and positive things you have that people like, which is basically being interested in interesting and deep and unique things, and being able to do interesting and deep and unique things. These also are important, also brighten people’s lives, in a way that a boring person does not. So there’s your complete list of factors.

  3. Ryan Roling Says:

    Corban often says to me, “Dad – I don’t like you…. I love you.” That’s how I feel about you Shawn.

  4. Lindsey Says:

    It’s vital to take time for yourself – not least so that your children learn how to set healthy boundaries for themselves. As for hope, a clever man once told me that it’s a trick you play on yourself. I haven’t yet figured out if he was wise to say this. But I am not opposed to a bit of self-trickery.

  5. Gail Brown Says:

    I love you so much. I think it helps that when you are there you are really there, and when you’re not, its OK. You are allowed to some time for yourself. It is so important that you know how much you are loved and needed and you try to respond to those that love you in a positive way even when you don’t feel like it. We feel the love you have for us and we need that so we love you more. You are a good servant and that makes you very special and important to those you serve.

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