tool

hammer in hand –
if i am observed; i feel like a doofus
clumsy and ignorant.

guitar in hand –
i feel a bit more comfortable
(though i still prefer to play covertly).

words in mind –
i am awkward/clownish/graceless – indecisive and overwhelmed
with my endless, earnest attempts at articulation.

the truth is:
much more of the work i do with a hammer is visible to others,
though i am usually invisible.
if i do my job well…
no one will even know that anything needed to be done
so i will go unseen and unlauded:
the church mouse – with a tool belt
i’m ok with that.
and though it is so concrete an occupation
it is still surreal to me
that i can fix things.
that i know these odd things that i know:
actuators and adapters; hydraulics and hysteresis;
kelvins, compressors and chemicals
                               (typically the R2 unit just has a bad motivator)
that i am a member of an elite master-key-holders club:
drunk with power –
controlling all comfort and convenience in the communal environment
part of a guild with secret knowledge:
what lurks behind all the closed, locked doors
                                       (what does go bump in the night)

how do you pronounce soldering or spigot? 
no really, is it just a regional thing or what? – this, i don’t know.

and maybe i am not clumsy at all…
when no one is looking
I feel capable and completely confident.
when no one is looking (the iron in irony)
I make my living (quietly) with the hammer.

but my own sense of self is still wrapped in a gentle, furtive music
connected to words

which can be a burden to me
like a backpack i lug around
without ever removing any content.
just shoving more and more into it
afraid that i am forgetting or losing things that are already there
as it just grows heavier, bulkier; dragging me down
making it harder and harder to wield the hammer.
though they are not mutually exclusive
i have trouble with the balance.

the idea of the hammer still seems foreign;
it is a part of me those closest to me rarely see
they hear a bit of guitar, they read the proffered words
they are more aware of the backpack than the tool belt.
yet i spend a lot more time with the hammer
and it is ultimately the more remunerative skill;
one my life / the other my living
for me music and words fix things that a hammer cannot
but i recognize their conjunct value and
i guess i use all these tools for mending.