i am my own apologist and i am irritating

June 1, 2013

i want the truth

unequivocal cold hard unforgiving thoughtless uncaring unsympathetic
etc…..
truth about myself
from the outside do i look crazy?
how far in do you have to get before i am overwhelming
or before i am lovable
before i am irritating
before i am a blithering blathering irrational idiot
before i am contagious
or before i am courageous
before empathy is sucked dry
or before i dont feel like apologizing anymore
it seems i would be relational halitosis
a stench in the nostrils of others as soon as i open my mouth
that it would be obvious to everyone
my sitting in the dark masturbating my own sadness…
but stroking depression brings no release
so why would i do that
maybe i dont
thats why i need the truth
it seems to me that i would be perceived
as a black hole of need
repellent because it sucks
but people seem to like me
maybe they just dont know me well enough
to those who do i must be exhausting
yet i know unconditional love
but is that love blind –
is that the condition of being unconditional
do you lose perspective when your close enough to offer support
if so who can give me the truth
does the speed of the descent appear to be increasing?
is it too late
i am afraid – should i be?
do i even believe anything i am saying
am i just as tiresome for everyone else as i am for me
in my story is my character sympathetic or pathetic
pathos or pariah
or piranha!!
do i really want the truth
do i actually think any of this is worth talking about –
i will talk myself into panic in search of validation.
why do i feel so compelled to give my opinion/idea
and then hate myself so much for giving it
my opinion does not matter.
what i am talking about (the subject) does not matter
it may not even be that interesting or important
let alone having an opinion about it…
just indulgent, just indolent, just distraction, just distortion

stop.
i dont want to be annoying
but i do want to be understood
i dont want to be pitiable
but i get sucked into self-pity and
i am asking for the truth just to understand this myself
blah blah blah
thats what it feels like to me on the inside
so how tedious must it be on the outside
i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry
boooooorrrriiinnngg
is any of this helpful to anyone else
i guess its helpful to me to get it out a bit
hey wildman calm down
hey idiot shut up

i do feel calmer now than when i started
ok – look…
i dont know about all this truth stuff
what i really want =
for me: to not be ashamed
to have the good sense
to recognize a reasonable end to attempted articulation
and for you:
i want everything for you
just as you would want it and more
and i would like to be a part of that gift
to take part in the giving
oh – and i would like to get some sleep
none of that is crazy.

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8 Responses to “i am my own apologist and i am irritating”

  1. Gail Brown Says:

    To me, you are my beloved child, someone I have known in your forever, who I did not always understand in your moods. Now because of your writing I know you inside. I love how you always try to make me laugh or smile. You really seem to listen and try to understand, you are in the moment and I love that.It is nice that the TV is not what is “happening” .It is the people in your life that are important to you, it shows and it is refreshing. I can’t see what you are feeling because you hide it well by giving to those around you all the time. Sometimes I can see when you have no more to give and if you can you should rest your eyes and your body but you still don’t. I like that you always try to improve the situation, your attitude seems to be, “How can I help?”. If more people were like that, it would be a happier world. You hide your needs well when I see you, which isn’t a lot because of distance between us in miles. Your opinions are welcome as is your humor. Your music and guitar playing are tasteful and beautiful to my ear. It is a gift you give me whenever I am with you in that moment of music when you finally have a moment to pick up your guitar, or banjo. I wish you had more time to play and a job where you could make music and be a serious artist. But you seem to understand that the people in your life want you to interact with them and that takes precedence over what you want. You are loved and appreciated because love us first. If we could all be like you, this would be a better world. Mom

  2. Lindsey Says:

    If you manage not to annoy anybody ever, does that make you a more worthwhile person?

    • Shawn Says:

      soooo….
      that would mean you had some sort of superhuman mind control abilities, but no one (including you) would know if you were actually more worthwhile cause you’d be controlling their minds, though they wouldnt know that or theyd be annoyed. and you would call yourself Paradox and no one would know why and theyd be secretly a little annoyed by your self imposed nickname so you would alter their thoughts again and… man thats a vicious cycle.

      no…
      i think i’ll just stick to the trying to get more sleep thing
      and hope that that can resharpen my wit, keep my mind from swirling confused in the haze of exhaustion.
      help more readily shift my focus outside myself.
      i cannot hear the truth if i am not listening.

  3. Ryan Roling Says:

    Shawn,

    I wonder, over time, how many responses you will get to this post. I wonder if many will require time to decide whether to respond, and how to do so if they decide they will.

    Your mom and Lindsey – they replied fairly quickly b/c they can’t leave you hanging. I’m next. The wait-time for me on this was longer than most if I am going to reply. (I’m usually offering an immediate response or nothing.)

    Your opening lines are so insightful. It’s like you’re in the mind of your friends. Do we share those thoughts? Do you perceive them, or are they also yours (maybe about us)? I’m referring to:

    “i want the truth
    unequivocal cold hard unforgiving thoughtless uncaring unsympathetic
    etc…..
    truth about myself
    from the outside do i look crazy?
    how far in do you have to get before i am overwhelming
    or before i am lovable
    before i am irritating
    before i am a blithering blathering irrational idiot
    before i am contagious
    or before i am courageous
    before empathy is sucked dry”

    First of all – I’m much more comfortable w/ movie quotes from “Dances w/ Wolves” than I am from “A Few Good Men”.

    Second – You are courageous, and empathy will not / cannot be sucked dry.

    But you want the truth? My truth is this: I love you – unconditionally, and “blindness” is most definitely not a condition for that. I know you. I get you. Do I think that you over-analyze things? Absolutely. Do I think you would benefit from a swift kick to the ass from time to time. Absolutely. Do I want to deliver that kick? Sometimes, I would take great pleasure in that. Sometimes, I think Reb should do it w/ great force. But do I look at you as weak for having do deal w/ what you have to deal w/? Do I look at you as strong for dealing with it? No to both. It’s like you said to me in my dorm room when we were freshmen and the whole campus was gawking at my sick-ass acne, “Hey. I don’t even notice it. I just see ‘you’.”

    Shawn – you want my hones truth? I just see “you”. That includes the acne and pockmarks that depression imprints upon you. But,I just see you. And I love you. Come what may, “Sumani tu tanka, o-wa-chi!”

    And I mean it.


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