manic exhaustion

May 30, 2013

join me at my pity party – plenty of empty chairs

sometimes i think i’m amazing (not really) because i survive.
functioning with 3-4 hours of interrupted sleep every night
but this is not something i want to be able to brag about
i have no desire to have pride about life sucking –
i also function just fine without food – big deal
maybe i am just accustomed to feeling miserable
ive built up a tolerance to the poison of suck
and then more often i think:
oh, just get over yourself
shut up.

i wear the costume of normalcy well
everyone wears that costume to some degree
and to differing degrees of success
we are all accustomed to being costumed
in our perceived normality
all building up our tolerance to our poisons
now hum a happy tune
modalities of the miserable mendacity of modern mundanity

i dont want to deprive my kids
it makes me so frustrated and it is so unfair to them
unfair to anyone who has to depend on me
for anything at all (work, home, friends, family, etc forever)
i never want to use any of this as an excuse.
the internal self-description ive come up with is
manic exhaustion
(but not in a bipolar sense
where you are up so long that your body wears down;
i think that is a real thing and leads to death.)
what i am talking about will also kill me. but slowly
grinding down to a final halt
while first continually depriving me of the ability to think clearly
to stop ruminating – stop this constant swirling running
increasingly inarticulate diarrhea of the mind

you know – i get so sick of myself in all this =
the constant striving search for the new normal
the pursuit of the mythology of hope and healing.
in the meantime healing cannot be only the pursuit of self
learning enough to say: this is how i am… so…
i and everybody else just has to deal with me – as is
i can’t accept that – i want to be better
i want to be more
and i want to feel it
i want to feel you, to help, to love, to listen
to throw your arm over my shoulders
and have the energy and strength to carry you for a while.
the infinite expanse of equanimity
to live within each other’s vulnerabilities.

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5 Responses to “manic exhaustion”

  1. Jennifer Butler Basile Says:

    “the poison of suck” – I love it.

    I’ll take one of those empty chairs . . .

  2. Gail Brown Says:

    I find I am sometimes better without sleep because I excuse other peoples frailties faster and am more understanding of them. I see us as being more equal. When I am feeling great, I am less patient and want to go, to do, be quick.
    You are gentle, considerate, and understanding when we are there and you give so much of your limited time to us. Thank you for the giving of yourself to your family. Mom

  3. Ryan Roling Says:

    Shawn,

    I wish for you a good day.

  4. Lindsey Says:

    “we are all accustomed to being costumed”
    Yes to this.


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