in which i assume the burden of cussing for the rest of us

March 5, 2013

whats wrong with this guy
he hardly writes about depression anymore
i guess he’s all better…
he hasnt cussed in a blog post for months.

just so we’re clear
i know that there isnt anyone actually thinking any of that
if there was then i could say fuck you to them
and perhaps that would make them feel better
but really barely anyone reads any of this shit
and i think i know everybody who does
(hello, Everybody Who Does)
and i like them all very much
(sorry i’m being cussy, Everybody Who Does)
and i dont want them to be worried or offended
even more than that;
i dont want them to think that i sit around
feeling sorry for myself and lose respect for me
(though i trust Everybody Who Does more than that)
cause really i only sit around feeling sorry for myself
part of the time – like write now for example
hhhmmmmm but stream of consciencelessness
dictates that i write thus
there is just too much horrible shit happening
all over – to so many people
and i cant handle the burden of my whining
in the face of all the true tragedy and misery
so fuck me is what i really want to say
(and big hugs to Everybody Who Does)
wait, rephrase that so it works properly

——–
i am so uncomfortable with the above wrong writing
not righting any wrong on several levels

its disgustingly flippant to mention the bad things happening in the world
what do i know about any of it
it is my own despair that i am aware of
and to mention these other things is certainly somehow self-serving
which is bullshit and makes me feel crazy
everything can end up strangely self-serving when you’re depressed
this aberrantly abhorrent idiosyncratic perceptual paradox
where you cant stand your own skin
yet it is all you can think about
life is such a haze of exhaustion and dissociation
for the sake of self-preservation
a self that you really don’t feel any motivation to preserve
why am i using the second person?
i am talking about me.
not because i am the only one having a hard time
but because it is the only time i know
i havent been writing about the depression
because i feel neither clever nor angry enough (apathy)
to have any desire to see my words about it written out
i wrote well about my depression once
and it was incredibly helpful for me to do so
both for my own pulling out of the depths of that specific dark time
and in helping folks i love glimpse what i was moping on about
but this – exhausted malaise of malicious melancholy
sinking sinking sinking
stinking and fearful that i will sink deep enough
that light is hard to understand
and i feel i have no right to do that
i gotta swim
cause i am pulling a life raft full of other people who need my help
if i sink they may not go down with me
but it sure doesnt help anybody
and none of them want to watch me drown
besides this is not some kind of heroic solo effort
thats the thing in all of this writing
i am just trying to say that i dont want this to be happening
and i dont want to be a whinger (new word i learned today = whiner)
depression: the descent that lacks decency
despair by degrees; a degrading downward gradation.
i dont want to stop swimming
i also dont want to use a water metaphor or a sports metaphor
swimming is kind of combining them both
so very literally
my head really hurts
and it is not working right
i feel so drained (water metaphor?)
and i dont want anyone else to have to sacrifice or be let down by this
or even be inconvenienced and especially not neglected
please
i want to meet the needs of those whose life i share
and i want to meet those needs exceptionally
i don’t want to shelter in the protective egocentrism that is depression
that sentence is not right – too oblique
i feel awful and repulsed with self loathing about it
shit, i can’t articulate it…

i just want to be more

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7 Responses to “in which i assume the burden of cussing for the rest of us”


  1. Since I’m already logged in it’s easy for me to comment.

    Problem: I don’t have a comment.

    Except maybe that I like the cussing.

    And that this one is good writing about depression too.

    And that I’m thinking of getting Scuba certified. In which case water would not be a metaphor for me. It would be real.


  2. Also: you can’t cuss for me. I can do all my own cussing.

  3. Ryan Roling Says:

    Shawn,

    Sometimes an aptly place execration is suitable. For example, when I feel angry, an expletive verbal expression (e.g. FECES!, ANATHEMATIZE IT!, COPULATION!) is often very mitigating. So, I applaud your efforts.

    Ryan

  4. Gail Brown Says:

    You are more than you know to so many. You are kind, considerate, concerned about others feelings, always trying to help at least when I see you on your trips to visit us. I know the humdrum of working daily and it can get us down especially if you aren’t sleeping or have a headache. I love you my son and would take all your troubles away if I could .As for the cussing, sometimes it fits so damn well.


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