piece of mind, hair of chin

November 28, 2012

i am a battle that rages against myself
my mind won’t slow down from its panicked pace
at least the thoughts are not looping – spiraling
caught on themselves creating a cycle of naught
just driving forward but too much – too fast
so hectic it turns my stomach
and makes me feel like im going to shatter
its not helpful or useful
and it makes getting hold of any for myself such a struggle
just racing racing racing
i cant harness or hold it
constrain or control it
it is my own mind! (somewhat key to my functioning)
and here i am attempting to articulate some of this
to snatch something from the speeding wall of noise
in hopes of harnessing, harvesting, salvaging something
i feel like i should have some rights
within my own head
some ownership of my thoughts
i want to scream and run as hard as i can face first into a brick wall
anything to halt this momentum
making everything urgent, everything unmanageable
a crescendo of crazy
cannot separate what is small from what is important
it is all immediate, all an absolute necessity
this is not reality
rushing to nothing
this drama is not me nor anything i want any part of
i hear (read) myself and feel disgusted
uselessness
but i cannot stop the speeding bullets
machine gun spattering of ambition that accomplishes nothing
pinning me down in my bunker
the enemy is not real
the black wolves running
i am still in here! i live here!
trying to build my house out of brick
so that it cannot be blown down
no matter how my mind huffs and puffs

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4 Responses to “piece of mind, hair of chin”

  1. Ryan Roling Says:

    Shawn,

    I’m out of breath just reading that bad boy.

  2. Bart Norman Says:

    I feel some urge to pray for you. As I am sitting to give it a try, the best I can do is, ‘May he experience peace to tonight.’ Aside from my best wishes, you surely know that you have my devotion as a friend and brother. My best offering is not ardent hope for healing, but kinsman-ship despite our differences; accompaniment along the journey. You have forever the Norman’s love.

  3. rachel Says:

    Phew! That was a great picture/insight into a not so great experience. I think you really allowed us to *feel* what that feels like through the way you wrote that. Love you!

  4. Gail Brown Says:

    I wish I could run along side you but not into a wall, just free, not falling but maybe falling into peace. I can not run very far anymore, I get too out of breath.
    If the world around you is going as fast as your thoughts, does it help? Sometimes you must run and sometimes, wait and sometimes pray for and experience rest. Rest, sleep my son, I pray. Mom, I love You


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