afraid – the stink cans, i cannots

May 16, 2012

and i wept because i cant handle myself
but their were no tears
just what amounted to a dry sob and a lump in my throat
that it is hard to swallow around:
i am dizzy and it is not easing up
a weird light-headedness, nervousness
but there is nothing to justify this
i am not being able to work through it
i keep going but i do not feel better

i dont have to feel this way…
so i gave in and just now took a xanax
(still new to me and somewhat strange to have something that helps)
and i will keep working and wait
write this for part of that wait
the shakiness will ease
the tension and nausea
and i will feel better
and thats good
clarity of thought (to a degree)
it will be wonderful
just now im freaked out (overstatement?) to the point
that i cant wait for it to kick in
take away the numbness in my limbs
the hazy unreality of everything
dizzy jet lag or severe motion sickness
with the stupid throat thing
but why why why am i like this

i am glad that i have the drug
and others would think me stupid for trying
to deal with myself for this long today
but i dont want to have to take it
especially not everyday
my life is far too easy to need this
it scares me that i am getting worse as i get older
and what – when my life is actually complicated
and doesnt allow time
to get over myself
this endless unreasonable attempt at articulation

what is actually happening to me
i know that i am not dying
that there is no real emergency
my job requires that i hold a lot of little things in my head
but none of them are of great import
i dont understand it at all and im scared
the medicine wont take that away
nor will it stop the unrelenting sadness
but being a little more chill doesnt hurt
i dont need anyone to read this or maybe i do, dont know
but i did need to write and post it (no editing)
so thank you if you are reading
i think it does make me feel less alone as i calm down
in a little while i will feel like weeping again
but in relief for the release of tension
and then for the selfishness of sadness
now i will go wash out the two big stinking garbage cans
that i poured bleach into earlier
and hope that they wont stink anymore
apropos?

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2 Responses to “afraid – the stink cans, i cannots”

  1. Ryan Roling Says:

    Shawn,

    You are not alone. As I read your words, I feel my heart connect to yours. I am sad with you my friend. I hurt for you. I offer no wisdom, no insight, no answers – only my love and support.

    Ryan


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