a little morpheme for the pain

April 30, 2012

when defining despair:
depression is often compared to cancer, or diabetes, or…
i think this is wrong
i dont want to belittle any of these experiences
(even calling them “an experience” seems a bit disparaging)
that is the nature of comparative language
what else can we do?
if used by another it belittles whatever experience You are having
(even in something as small as music: well it sounds like…)
but if we lack other language or common point of reference?
we compare to describe (and to measure)
still that comparison also destroys
some aspect of the integrity of an experience/person/etc.
and as we all know one’s experience is unique; entirely subjective
<currently boring, sorry.>
nothing is like being diagnosed with cancer
or grieving the death of a loved one
or betrayal
or hopelessness
but we all share some common despair
and we are working from at least similar limited lexicons
when trying to explain/define/describe it

so depression is not like a terminal illness
it is one.
and im not talking in the
suicidal sense and sensibility
(though i wonder if we all share that impulse as well)
that terrifying tiny twitch (barely thought)
the steering wheel
sends tonnage careening collapsing crashing around us
sends blade to vein
the pills to heal too many to harm
and all other infinitely imagined ways
violent, quiet
– hopeful –
of an ending
.if you get lucky.

luck is not for those with depression
they all know that the world, the universe conspires against them
what is luck in the face of despair
do we want to die – a true end? (some do, can’t blame ’em)
or just an abrupt stoppage of mental anguish, pain (chronic or situation)
to breathe
to be understood
to be taken seriously
to be left alone
and not.
crying out: untenable
if only one could love – feel love
know worth or no worth
its no worse
than reading ridiculously random ramblings (ok its much worse)

back on topic – cause its so much fun!
: depression as terminal illness
– im still making comparisons
comparative gustatory philology – how do you describe taste
i don’t know what things used to taste like
or what they taste like to you — but i do know:
things that are not fish
should not taste like fish
definitely chicken (which everything else is supposed to taste like)
should not taste like fish
you can quote me on that, “chicken should not taste like fish”.
and nothing else should be forced into the box
of tasting like chicken
as soon as you try to articulate experience
you experience the failing of your grasp of said (sad) experience
in the dialectics of despair (watch your language!)
i cannot even describe how far
i fall short to convey any meaning, any logic
let alone how i feel
well, it makes me feel sick
we need a few word fixes, some new affixes
and free morphemes for every-body!
and our eyes glaze over

…we’ll eliminate the need for mechanical addressing mechanisms, you know, the program jumper switches and rotary dials, because it electronically sets the interface’s address into the microcomputer chip non-volatile memory… thats awesome, great, soporific!
people could die if this isnt fixed…please fix it.

so we are interested – its important
and the people effected/affected/invested are important to us
but no matter how vast our grasp
it is without handles

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One Response to “a little morpheme for the pain”

  1. Jim D Reppart Says:

    More than any blog you have written this one, to me, describes your non-terminal terminal illness of depression.


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