in regard to the universe and my feelings

April 25, 2012

that was a bit much*
self-conscious
maybe im not miserable enough
i didnt even cuss
well i guess i did once
that was probably the best part

but it doesnt stop
not for anyone
except i wonder about how people watch tv
but bringing that up always sounds self-congratulatory
and trust me i dont feel much of that
but there is more
always
more and more and more
not a moment of time unspoken for
there is always some hunger ready to gobble up
whatever you have or think you have or know you need
did i mention my calves?
balls of pain
i used to be able (at times) to outrun my depression
disc golf-parkour is what i call it
for a while i was good enough to feel a bit of pride when i was finished
but now when the universe turns against aghast askance
it is frustration disappointment pain
it is not getting older
it is not real
like how painful/impossible it is to swallow
its in my head
did i mention wanting to throw myself down the stairs?
such helpful advice/ideas i have
self help written by a depressed person is probably a bad idea
but funny – first take the razor blade
what? wait! no…bad depressed person BAD!
i guess one just wants to be taken seriously
pain acknowledged
and yet left alone
and be known
well enough that everyone leaves you well enough alone
but loves you and thinks you’re heroic
for doing what everybody else does effortlessly everyday
not necessarily the type of hero you want coming to your rescue
i would rescue you but damn im tired
and i just dont have the ambition
honestly? if you could just stop your emergency
and rescue me for a minute?
that would be great.

and its not really easy for anyone… is it?
and i dont want to be sitting here
feeling sorry for myself
saying ya but its harder for me
mostly i feel like apologizing
and also like trying to be honest
so…
i’m sorry but this sucks.

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6 Responses to “in regard to the universe and my feelings”

  1. Ryan Roling Says:

    That does suck. I wish it didn’t.

  2. Staci Says:

    My dearest brother. I love being able to say that because I’ve always wanted a brother. I wish I was able to see you more often, hug you tight and tell you how special you are. I know so well what you struggle with as often it is my struggle, too. People often don’t understand the black chasm that opens before you once in awhile and begs to suck you in. But I do. Love you

  3. Gail Brown Says:

    I wish I could be there for you and give you some rest. Mom


  4. I love your writing, Shawn.


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