the integrity of despair – when suicide is not an option

January 19, 2012

being thrown back into the suck pit
but ive got a baseball bat
and im going to smash the fuck out of every valve down here
then im climbing back out and hugging my kids
laughing, spinning them around
being a prince to their princess
i will not allow this to break my imagination
and it has not yet broken my spirit
not permanently
so im going to win
i have to
im too tired to not

ive gotten a few comments about how it takes courage to “share”
the way ive been sharing
it doesnt
i get like this and i dont give a shit about what anybody thinks
(yes i do, but…)
it doesnt take courage to vomit
you dont have to be brave to burden others
but i dont feel bad about it really (ok i do)
i am normally so sapped of energy and ambition
how could i be anything but a burden to those
who are the closest
but when i get like this, rage
it doesnt come out at others
it seethes and festers but it doesnt have anything to do with
anyone but me (well fuck me too)
from the outside if im caught off guard
you would see a scowl and a deeply furrowed brow
but then a whistle, a melody
and i keep working, living
am i allowed angry pride?
am i allowed any pride – what for?
if there is courage its not for writing
its for breathing.

(and if theres an award its for whining
                               – oh, why dont you stop annoying people)

sometimes my wife comes up to me out of nowhere
when i dont even realize that im like this
and gives me a sad/gentle smile
and reaches up with her thumb and forefinger
and begins to smooth my forehead
messaging out the deep grooves on the endlessly skipping record
of dark thought playing a quarter inch away
again she is gentle, beautiful, wonderful beyond reason –
my unfair advantage


2 Responses to “the integrity of despair – when suicide is not an option”

  1. Ryan Roling Says:

    I’m glad you have an unfair advantage. I like your wife.

  2. davesessions Says:


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