the problem with head retrieval

October 28, 2011

calm down
amping up
whats it like to drive into panic
actually i dont think that this will become a full out panic
or i wouldnt be writing
just very shaky and queasy and other gut related issues
and it all takes time
time
– i dont have time for this
one reason the nervousness rises is because there is not enough of it
time
no where near enough of it
to get everything done

you know what?
i cant right this, write now:
this aspect of me –
i hate it
of all the things that have changed as i get older
anxiety
paralyzing
but i dont really feel this way do i?
cant i just get up, get to work?
i need to get this taste out of my mouth
metallic,vile
try to just breathe to calm down
but it tastes like im breathing panic
i dont want to take xanax
I DONT WANT TO!
i shouldnt have to just to get through a normal, simple day
i need to eat but it seems like so much effort
and that i would just throw up if i tried
maybe im sick for real?
but i doubt it
ive gotten like this often enough and thought i was sick in the last year +
i just gotta figure everything is a false alarm now
rub your head/face squeeze your eyes shut try and hold it all together
try to force your head back into its proper shape, proper space
lips tingling numb, shallow breaths –
very shaky if you try and take deep ones
plus it makes the nausea worse
dry mouth with that horrible taste
feels as though your face is swelling up
i feel sick
i am sick
i am sorry
i truly have no reason to feel this way
and i know it, i know it – isnt that the problem
an inch further and im on the floor with no choice but xanax and terror
but im going to post this as a catalyst (maybe i’ll remove it later)
and get back to work

addendum – Nov. 2
the problem with body retainment

so, great news!
turns out i really am sick – i mean physically,
and not just in the neurobiologically physical sense
but a miserable flu!
the way i feel actually matches the situation!
a breakthrough!!!

(neurobiologically physical – thats a fun clumsy made-up phrase
…but maybe redundant)

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