i’d roar but i’m a little horse

October 14, 2011

a feeling that you have to maintain hope can wear you out

i feel like I should just be able to roar 
I mean really ROAR... 
and then just shake it all off 
like a horse coming up out of water 
like a big wet lion
that’s what it feels like 
that it would take the strength, the roar and muscles of a lion
the barely controlled fury of an animal aching to run for the joy of it
we have all seen glossy images of the water spraying out
and the new body glistening beneath
taught and flexible / primed and ready
beautiful
and each of the million drops
shards of the false and deep dark
shaken shattering and tossed aside
so that self can surface, breathe and run
to flee the place where the drops poison the ground
and realizing freedom, run for the sake of being able
till a true exhaustion takes you into clean sleep

wow - that would be a great commercial for an antidepressant
or a refreshing beverage
we could all get posters to hang on our walls
of ignorance, experiment, miracle and lies
once again the drama of it all ends up feeling so ridiculous
tedious / not quite right
the problem is I could just process this All the time 
its so hyper crazy immediate real painful - is it even true?
i just need everything to Be Still while i endlessly process what is happening 
and how i feel
maybe you could talk it out of existence
if anyone were patient enough to process with you 
(you can't buy love - not even from a therapist)
to listen as you plead, as you ruminate, as you terrify 
(no you couldnt/no one wants that monologue) 
this is too big and not me - i am not my depression
but i am - it forms my thought 
it is foundational in how i view the world
life - through shit colored glasses
i cant take them off or look around them
just be aware that they are there
that the form is flawed, the foundation is not level or solid
that i am there roaring and shaking
fighting with all i have to rise
please let the surface become fragile enough to shatter
theres got to be something that can be done
and it would all go away
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3 Responses to “i’d roar but i’m a little horse”

  1. Ryan Roling Says:

    Love the song. Beautiful.

    I always feel so proud of you when I listen to your music.

    You know I’m not a swearer. That being said, my most favorite and least liked line in this entry was the bit about the shit about your glasses. I’m sad about the truth of it; I know you can’t look around it. It brings to mind two thoughts: The first one is of little importance, but here it is – a well placed swear word is very effective and descriptive. The second thought is – damn. I wish you could shake it off and be refreshed. I don’t say that with any expectation that you can. I know it doesn’t work like that.

    it is the foundation to how i view the world
    life – through shit colored glasses
    i cant take them off or look around them

    Damn. I wish you could.

    • Ryan Roling Says:

      Shawn,

      I’m going to read through every entry slowly and carefully. I’ve gotten through two carefully. I’ve scanned the others.

      My initial thought is this: It takes a huge amount of courage to write as honestly as you have and to allow others in.

      My second thought is this: I won’t be able to critique your style. Your style is your style. I like it. I write as well. I like my style. I know how hard it is to share your writing.

      When you are paid for your writing, somone will be paid to critique it. I’ll leave that up to them at that time. I’m just happy to see all of the work that you’ve been doing.

  2. Gail Brown Says:

    Shawn, I think some of your relatives have had the same problems but tried to take the glasses off with non-legal drugs and are paying the consequences for their trouble.
    I can’t wait to wrap my arms around you this thanksgiving. Love Mom


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