oops – mental disarray

October 12, 2011

i did forget my meds yesterday
which explains why things, well, almost did me in…
on the best day
if i forget my meds
i feel this really strange artificial tension / edging on
panic by around 3:30pm
i don’t miss very often
but i know the feeling = complete mental disarray? (and somehow -maybe just in my head- it feels chemical, false, unorganic?)
and when i’m good i can hold it together
breathe deep and call The Lady and have her check my pill case
and if i missed – the horrible way i feel makes sense
and i can calm down enough knowing a true cause
knowing a cause goes a long way for me in dealing with it
yesterday – i was not present enough to think that i had xanax for just these situations and it REALLY helps

on the second day after a meds miss
i get migraines , and dizzy and weirded
and this strange sobbing thing that
comes from below without provocation –
its weird and actually kind of funny after it passes
i’ll just be walking down the hall – everything normal –
and all of a sudden
my body and spirit will heave, exploding into a big sob
like when a kid has been crying impossibly hard and
then tries to catch his breath
and all that emotion is there for just a moment and it
stops me in my tracks
and then its gone
it is so sudden and extreme that
i kind of giggle and then continue on as normal (ha.)
today i took my meds and had a xanax ready for when
the chest cracking folding inside out terror began
so i am medicated and much more functional because of it

is it weird that i have been writing all this?
i would have never thought it was possible,
that i could or would write while drowning.
it is a strange thing
when i reread yesterdays despair – it freaked me out a little.
my friends thank you for your responses –
they really do mean a lot to me and help a ton
love and concern is not glib or worthless –
affirmation, encouragement and accolades, who doesn’t want that
even if i can’t feel relief from or respond and confirm it,
i can know the intent and it means the world to me
that your voices can join mine through this?
its new and……… what? i don’t know – amazing?
and strange and somewhat humiliating in retrospect
but not really
to be known and then still loved at your worst……..
if everyone could have that the world would feel better

but that level of trust and safety is rare
of course there is always the empty yuck feeling of –
i’m not saying it right, i’m not saying it all…
this isnt it at all……..AAHHGG!
of course there is, of course its not.
how could it be otherwise

One Response to “oops – mental disarray”

  1. Gail Brown Says:

    I think you are amazing. You are loving and caring, kind and fun and we don’t even know how you are feeling. I need to know you are there. Love Mom

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