raw – i’m sorry. (you’ve been warned)

October 11, 2011

i cant think straight
this fucking stupid
i am so tired of it
this post is not for my wife
she is dealing with me enough
nor for any who love so much….and then worry

to the rest
how bout some way to gos or some shit
or hey thats good writing –
cause that actually might make me feel good

im fairly certain i missed my meds this morning
i was trying to give a bit more of me to the girls and i think i just didnt have enough me to remember to take them
i always get a little crazy
if i miss them esp when im already fucked up
more sweat and panic and extreme emotional swings riding rough shod over a void like a rock skipping across a puddle of wet shit

there are not words harsh enough to describe how sick of myself and feeling this way and the pointlesssness of feeling this way and the stupid drama of it all and just how selfish i want to be


i gotta take care of me
who has time to do that

there are so many suffering

and this mourning
every morning in fact
my wife and daughters come out and stand on the curb
and wave to me and blow me kisses as i leave for work
after getting “one more hug and one more kiss”
for like 20 minutes
and being handed a lunch lovingly made for me by my wife
by some one else, not me –
i dont make my own lunch?!
and my youngest grabs me by the pant legs and tries to pull me away from the door saying “daddy no work”
and there they stand – the girls in pjs or princess fairy costume or just their panties (or less) depending on their crazies and what ever reality my 1st born has them living in at the moment –
it all stops to blow me kisses cause that is what they want to do
and my wife stands there with a sad smile knowing how much im loved and knowing that i know and that it doesnt change a thing
and I CANT FEEEL ANY of it

when i come home The Tiny one almost cries with relief while signing “home” on her cheek and saying “daddy home”
and then even though my wife is standing right there –
The Tiny has to tell The Lady all about me being home and how thats better
and i dont see how it could be better  and all i want to do is apologize to all of them
and when i do
sobbing dry into my wife’s shoulder
im so sorry im sorry im sorry
she just hugs me and tells me she doesnt need to hear that
its ok
and all The Little wants is me
anything i got and as much as i could ever give
and its all so good ————— how can i feel this way
i just want to vomit all over myself
The Little had The Lady write this down for me this morning and put it in an envolope with a drawing (of flowers) to take to work
“I love you Daddy! / Flowers mean I Love You. / My love is flowers. /
I love being your helper. / Love, your daughter /
This is a note from your daughter.”
i know that this is too good to be true, awesome sweetness
i think my chest is folding inside out
i think that i wish i was losing my mind
maybe that this was a bit worse
enough so that i could stop caring
that i was a drug addict or alcoholic so everyone would make shitty excuses for me and pity me and all that crap
but i still seem normal
even though it hurts where my jaw connects with my face and
im sure that my temples are physically swollen

and typing this IS NOT helping and im not going to kill myself
and i do feel sorry for myself  but its not some pathetic pity party –
i’d feel sorry for anyone who felt this way
my life is awesome and its so confusing
and im just so glad that it is
cause who knows how i’d be without my Unfair Advantage

and honestly even writing all this
i just want not to be like this           i sound disgusting
it all is so hateful yuck to me
what does this sound like / look like from the outside??????????
it seems like it would be exhausting to hear about
are u tired of it too
cause im tired of hearing about it
hows that for good writing
what the fuck is there no end to this
i told you guys to shut off the suck valve
in the first post
ok thats the best i can do for a joke

this is me
know me love me


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