loath and love‏

October 10, 2011

despair / delight / denial / decide /
duty / depressed / decipher / defeat / delovely
what can i do – i dont have a choice
the feelings come, even though tears never will
just a sudden heaving in the heart
breath quivers, quavers – body shivers, shakes
the exhaustion of weeping remains
without the satisfaction of actual release
so all i can do is decide to fight, to try and deny purchase
to not curl up in a ball
to stay controlled and not burn up on rage reentry
and still the breath catches and still the heart hurts
and i am glad that it is not being required of me to speak
just now
not sure if i could. 
I feel like I am running a marathon at a sprinters pace
and still falling far behind. (at work)
and then crawling home on sore knees 
i want to say knees open and gushing blood
but the anger hones in on the melodrama
it spirals into my gut and turns and churns
and if i could implode i would
how many people
depressed or not
sit in their car outside of their domicile and think
“i cant do this”
to get up the energy to go in and pleasantly deal with spouse and children after work or whatever
brighten up – talk. tackle. tickle… talk.
its not their family’s fault
whatever has sapped the energy, crumpled the spirit,
brought forward defeat and despair
its not their fault
and yet it is
you wouldnt be doing it if it wasnt for them
well, anyway you sure dont feel like you do it for your own sake
if they werent in there – it would be easy to get out of the car and walk toward the door
only exhaustion to impede your momentum, not more duty,
so much more that had to be done
in fact the most important and often most taxing work of the day
in there – for them
but thats really not fair
not a true way to look at it
and they dont deserve to have so little of you
for you to allow your dark cloud to sweep in and expand
and fill their space
invading their games, strangling the mood
they deserve more than the leftovers (if there are any)
but what can be given if the reserves are empty
its asking to much…i often think:
“oh my strange and beautiful children,
i loath you as much as i love you”
the thought makes me sick and to see it articulated just seems disgusting
its not their fault
the other day i found myself saying “God help me”
well its not his fault either
and it was said without sincerity or belief
so probably also not his problem
grace can exist without action?
either way existential disingenuousness (artifice)
isnt helping anybody
(the word disingenuousness also does not help anybody)
so there is no solution……..
………hugs and beer are a good start though
that? – later –
i still have a lot of work to do here
and a lot of work to do there…
drive by dad duty
duty is the driver – its what keeps you moving as you just have less and less fuel but still it keeps you moving even when you think you have to stop or suffocate still it drives you on and on and you cant breathe from the fumes and you just wish everything would stop moving just for a minute so you can catch your breath yet you can see that duty is your forever
i guess people eventually go crazy
and then sit in their cars outside their homes and dont know
to love or to loath
do you wish for a discontinuation of life while longing for hugs from your sweet kids
will they be asleep when i get home?
i am always relieved and sad at the same time
when they are asleep
but i dont go in and look at them
or sing them hidden lullabys in quiet tones
or say secret prayers over them
there is nothing romantic about this
about the void left by duty fatigue
the desperate clutching of your gut
because you feel like you’re a bad dad
and still no tears, little sleep, no motivation
just that aching desire to gather them up
to love them to love them to love them
its not their fault
that there is so much to do, too much
its not her fault either
though her words can burn with obligation
on your nerves and ashes
and you throw up ungrateful unhelpful ugly smoke
she can somehow still see you
still love you
there they are…they are there…
so strange and beautiful
my Unfair Advantage
keeping safe what is left
cherishing it no matter how little it is
hugs that can smother the void, deny the fire with kisses
healers helpers givers of moments
how can i give more.

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