someone has left the gift of death‏

September 21, 2011

i was told that the big playground at work stank bad
it did indeed
of death
someone has thrown a large tied up black trash bag
into one of the playground trash cans
there is a dead something inside
lotsa death attracted insects enjoying it
i feel as though they are crawling all over me
xanax isn’t working as well today as it did yesterday
my wife said i seem to be improving

i really love my wife
today she and my children sent me notes in my lunchbox…
we were having a lunch meeting at work
and when i opened my lunch i almost had to excuse myself
everyone could see why
thats ok
i am doing better if there is some emotion
more pinpricks of light
sometimes it makes it worse
cause i can tell i should be feeling something
and i get so frustrated grasping for it reaching scratching to feel
i will try through an act of will to rouse myself
it might even work for a moment
but it takes so much self discipline to maintain that focus
and my reserves are pretty depleted by now
rage (inner) can be a short term substitute for energy
but isnt good for anyone

-love is-

no one has any idea what it is to have this Unfair Advantage
what cannot be imagined is how truly good my life is
I am not kidding, not being sarcastic, its wonderful.
i almost feel like apologizing
i would like to experience it myself
im going to go see whats in the bag.


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